ADHD; Excuse or Explanation?
I expect that I might ruffle some feathers with my thoughts on this one and I’m ok with that because I believe that this is an important distinction to discuss.
So often I get asked, “how do I deal with people who say I am just using my ADHD as an excuse?”…my initial thought is, "well are you?”.
Before you burn me at the stake, hear me out. There is a very real difference in ADHD as an excuse and ADHD as an explanation. In my opinion at least.
To me, an excuse is an attempt to justify a behavior without taking responsibility and with no intention of taking action towards a different outcome.
In contrast, an explanation is attached to understanding AND accountability. It comes with the intention that I will take steps within my control to reduce the chances of this thing happening in the future. An explanation might feel necessary because we want to clarify WHY our words and actions aren’t aligning and how we plan to change that.
For example…
Scenario: I missed a meeting because I wrote it in my calendar but didn’t set an alarm so I forgot. 20 minutes after it was set to start, I get a call asking if I’m coming.
An excuse might look like: “Sorry! I have ADHD so I’m really forgetful and can’t help it.”
While an explanation might say: “Oh my gosh, I must not have set an alarm and I completely forgot! I can be pretty forgetful if I don’t use my tools. When can we reschedule, I know your time is important, I’ll set an alarm now so it doesn’t happen again”.
One more:
Scenario: Friendships are damaged because you’ve forgotten about or “bailed” on plans too often.
Excuse thinks: “They know I have ADHD and how hard remembering is. They just don’t care about me. ”
Explanation Acts: “I know this might be hard for you to understand. I tend to forget plans or overcommit- it’s not because I don’t care about you or don’t respect your time. I’m learning that it’s a challenge that comes with my ADHD and I’m working on it. I’ll set an alarm this time but would you also be willing to shoot me a text on Thursday to make sure it’s still on my radar? I really want to make sure we get time to hang out!”
As one of my favorite radio personalities says, “don’t hear what I’m not saying”….There will still be people who aren’t interested in hearing what you have to say no matter the intention or presentation. I’d encourage you to file those away in the let go of what I can’t control folder because they are likely not worth your energy.
I’m curious (and a little afraid if I’m honest)- how does this sit with you? What are your thoughts? Let’s chat!
